Beer
by Lady Lizzie
Summary: A new mix off the world of Blackadder and some Harry Potter characters. This is no Slash, I'm just having fun with my two biggest obsessions.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer**: All the characters belong to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing them. I promise I won't break them. The dialogues are created by Ben Elton and Richard Curtis, I've simply altered them.

**A/N**: I've ripped everyone out of character once again so if you don't like it, I advice you to read something else.

'Sisyphus' is a strange cat that belongs to Corri Anders. She gave me permission to use him. If you'd go and have a look at my favourite authors, you'll see Chi Alpha. Read her 'Leda' story and you'll see what I mean.

I like to thank my beta-reader Smitten and Corri for allowing me to use the cat. Thanks ladies.

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It was breakfast time at Malfoy Manor. Lucius Malfoy, Macnair and Severus Snape were enjoying their toast.

"I must say, Lucius, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin," Macnair said cheerfully.

"It is said, Macnair, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the Muggles and closer to Lord Voldemort," Malfoy said.

"Yes, I'd heard that," Macnair replied delighted.

"Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best," Malfoy sneered.

Macnair was so hurt, that he stood up and rushed out of the room. Malfoy started to sort out his owls, acting like nothing happened.

"Well, Merlin pats me on the head and says, 'Good boy, Lucius'," Malfoy said with a menacing smile on his face.

"Lucius?" Snape asked.

"My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Beaufoy, the two most fanatical Death Eaters in England, have invited themselves to dinner here, tonight," Malfoy said beaming.

"But, aren't they the most frightful bores?" Snape remarked.

"Yes but they have one great redeeming feature: their wallets; more capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on. At least until now, for tonight, they wish to 'discuss my inheritance", Malfoy said before the both of them roared with laughter.

At that moment, Wormtail entered with a piece of cheese hanging from his nose on a string.

"Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?" Malfoy asked with an arched eyebrow.

"To catch mice Master. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in," Wormtail replied.

"And do they?" Malfy asked suspiciously.

"Erm… not yet, Master," Wormtail replied.

"I'm not surprised. Your breath comes straight from a Muggle's bottom, Wormtail. The only sort of mouse you're going to catch is one without a nose," Malfoy sneered.

"That's a pity because the nose is the best bit on a mouse," Wormtail said, slightly disappointed.

Any bit of a mouse will seem like a luxury compared to what Snape and I must eat tonight. We're entertaining Death Eating vegetable folk, Worm, and that means, no meat," Malfoy said.

"In that case, I shall prepare my turnip surprise," Wormtail said.

"And the surprise is?" Malfoy asked suspiciously.

"There's nothing else in it except the turnip," Wormtail replied.

"So another word for turnip surprise would be … a turnip," Malfoy retorted.

All of a sudden, something or someone knocked on the door.

"Get the door, Wormtail," Malfoy ordered.

Wormtail bowed and left the room to obey his master.

"Well, Lucius, if things go as planned tonight, it would seem congratulations are in order," Snape said as he reached out his hand to shake Malfoy's.

"Nice try, Severus, but forget it: you're not getting a Knut," Malfoy sneered as he sat down on his chair by the door, inspecting his silver snake-headed cane.

A loud crash roared through the Manor and Wormtail entered, carrying the door.

"Wormtail, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give phenomenally good" Malfoy said with a hint of warning in his voice.

"You said 'Get the door.' Wormtail explained.

"Not good enough. You're fired," Malfoy said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"But Master, I've been in your family for years," Wormtail pleaded.

"So has Sisyphus. Now get out," Malfoy hissed.

"Very well, Master. Oh, by the way, there was a messenger outside when I got the door. Says Lord Voldemort wants to see you. Fudge is very sick," Wormtail said before he made his way out off the room.

"Really?" Malfoy grinned.

"Yes. He's at death's door," Wormtail said.

"Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him," Malfoy roared.

He stood up, fetched his cane and cloak and stormed out of the Manor.


	2. Hung over

Fudge lay in his bed. He looked very pale and was groaning. Bellatrix sat by his side and rubbed his belly. When Malfoy entered, Voldemort lead him to the bed.

"Oh Lucius, quick, quick! Fudge's dying. We must do something," Voldemort said desperate.

"Yes, of course; some sort of celebration. But let's wait till he's actually snuffed it, shall we?" Lucius sneered.

"It all started last night at about two o'clock. I was tucked into bed, having this absolutely bizarre dream about Potter, when I was woken by a terrific banging from Fudge," Voldemort explained.

"Well, I never knew he had it in him," Malfoy smirked.

"It's true, I promise. He was banging on the gates and falling over and singing a strange song," Voldemort continued.

Malfoy crossed to Fudge's bed. Fudge was still groaning.

"Well, Master, I think I know what's wrong with Fudge, and unfortunately, it's not fatal," Malfoy remarked.

"Well, hurry up and cure the horrible man. I'm fed up with him lying there moaning and groaning," Voldemort hissed.

"The truth is, Fudge just can't take his ale," Malfoy smirked.

Fudge rose up, rallying under those insults.

"Master, I protest! I may be a little delicate this morning but what I drank last night would have floored a rhinoceros," Fudge objected.

"If it was allergic to lemonade," Malfoy sneered.

"It's Malfoy here who can't take his ale. He's famous for it. I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the visit of Golgonath the Giant when Malfoy was found wandering naked among the dungeons singing, 'I'm Merlin, the Happy Pig'," Fudge said.

"What did you have last night then? A whole half-pint of apple-juice?" Malfoy mocked.

"On the contrary, I had two flagons of Muscat and two bottles of fire-whisky. I can assure you it's no holds barred with us at the annual Ministry ball," Fudge said.

"Annual – ha! For me and my fellow Death Eaters, every night is drinky night. You want to come round sometime, have a look at the underside of _my _table!' Malfoy said, challenging Fudge.

"Tonight!" Voldemort roared enthusiastically.

"Tonight?" Fudge asked still so hung over.

"Yeah, come on Fudgy, what are you scared of?" Malfoy said.

"Perhaps you're right, perhaps he's a wet and a weed," Voldemort smirked.

"Oh all right then, tonight. I'll be there," Fudge said as he sank back down on his bed.

"Hurray, and the last one under the table gets 10 000 Galleons from the loser," Voldemort cheered.

Malfoy was shocked by this but quickly gathered himself.

"Master?… Right. We'll get the whisky in then. Right," Malfoy said.

He took his cane, bowed towards Voldemort, stuck out his tongue at Fudge and swept out of the room. Voldemort beckoned Bellatrix to the door.

"Bella, do you know what I'm going to do?" Voldemort asked her.

"What?" she replied.

"I'm going to go along and find out exactly what happens on those drinking contests," Voldemort whispered.

"Good idea, Master," Bellatrix said.

"And I'll wear a cloak with a cowl so no one will recognize me," Voldemort said excited.

"Another good idea, Master," Bella said beaming.


	3. The Guests

Snape sat at the table, thinking with a quill in his hand, a piece of parchment lying on the table in front of him. Malfoy was pacing the room.

"Right. Now the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four-year-old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey," Malfoy said.

"Crabbe Senior," Snape said as he wrote down the name on the parchment.

At that moment, Wormtail entered. This time he had a mouse tied to his nose.

"Wormtail," Malfoy sighed.

"Master," Wormtail replied dull.

"Why?" Malfoy said looking hard at him as he arched an eyebrow.

"I got fed up with an all-mouse diet, Master. I thought I'd try a cat for variety," Wormtail explained.

"Good, well done. And now, returning to the real world, do you have a knife?" Malfoy asked.

"Yeah," Wormtail replied.

"Good because I wish to quickly send off some party invitations and to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them in blood… Your blood, to be precise," Malfoy said.

Wormtail took a knife from his boot.

"How much blood will you actually be requiring, Master?" Wormtail asked, his voice quivering lightly.

"Oh, nothing much, just a small puddle," Malfoy said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Will you be wanting me to cut anything off; an arm, or a leg, for instance?" Wormtail asked running his thumb over the blade.

"Oh good Merlin no, a little prick should do," Malfoy said as he returned his attention to the guest-list.

"Very well, Master. I am your servant and must obey," Wormtail said.

He scrunched his eyes and shoved the knife in his breeches. Malfoy turned around and saw Wormtail just about to perform the cruellest cut of all.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, Wormtail! I meant a little prick on the finger," Malfoy yelled.

"I haven't got one there!" Wormtail said studying his own hand.

"Oh, forget it, forget it," Malfoy sighed.

"Thank you, Master," Wormtail said on the verge of tears.

He left the room, relieved and still in one piece.

"Right. Now, Sev, how's the list going?" Malfoy asked.

"Very well indeed. I thought we could invite Professor McGonagall," Snape said.

"Sorry, no chicks. Who else?" Malfoy asked.

"That's about as far as I'd got, actually," Snape said.

"Right, I'll dictate. First Avery, second, Nott and third, Rookwood," Malfoy said.

"Oh, and of course, Lord and Lady Beaufoy, who will be coming anyway," Snape informed Malfoy.

A shock of horror spread across Malfoy's face when he realized the dreadful contradiction the evening ahead held.

"Oh yes…"


	4. The Delay

Malfoy was crouched on his knees at Lord Voldemort's feet.

"I must say, Lucius; it does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it," Voldemort said suspiciously.

"Quite the wrong impression Master. I just want to make it another night. That's all," Malfoy pleaded.

"Certainly not," Bellatrix suddenly interrupted.

"I beg your pardon," Voldemort said, his eyes starring menacingly at her.

"Well, it's just one excuse after another isn't it? Next thing he'll be trying to get out of polishing his cane," Bellatrix explained.

"He isn't talking about canes, Bella," Voldemort hissed.

"Well, he should be. How else is he going to keep it clean? Soon he'll be saying he doesn't want a house-elf," Bellatrix said furiously.

"Malfoy doesn't have a house-elf anymore," Voldemort growled.

"In that case, it's even more important that he polishes his cane," Bellatrix said.

"Shut up, Bella! I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party, I found you face down in a puddle wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins," Voldemort said returning his attention back to Malfoy.

"Yes, all right, all right. Tonight it is," Malfoy hissed as he rose back to his feet, quite angry now. He bowed and stormed out of the room.


	5. The Plans

Malfoy was waiting for his guests to arrive. He gave Snape and Wormtail their final briefing. They entered Wormtail's room.

"Right – now, let's make sure you've got this. We are having two parties here tonight, and they must be kept completely separate. Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer-throwing and wall-to-wall vomiting, to be held here in Wormtail's room," Malfoy instructed the pair.

"Thank you very much, Master," Wormtail beamed.

Malfoy headed out off the room and into the dining room across the hall.

"And secondly, Snape will join me in here for the gourmet turnip evening. Is the turnip surprise ready?" Malfoy asked.

"Yes, Master," Wormtail replied before he and Snape started to giggle sheepishly.

"Then what's so funny?" Malfoy asked puzzled.

"Well, Master, when Wormtail and I were preparing the turnip surprise, we had a surprise, for we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape … as … a … thingy," Snape said.

He and Wormtail burst out giggling hysterically. Malfoy was not convinced.

"A thingy," Malfoy hissed.

"Yes. A great big thingy. It was terrific," Wormtail said between snorts.

"Size is no guarantee of quality, Wormtail. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item?" Malfoy said agitated.

"Oh, yes, Master," Wormtail replied.

"Good. Because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance then a thingy-shaped turnip," Malfoy hissed.

"Oh absolutely, Lucius, but it was jolly funny," Snape said before they started to giggle again.

"I found it particularly ironic, master, because I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip," Wormtail said.

"Yes, all ri…," Malfoy said.

"I'm a big hit at parties," Wormtail continued ignoring Malfoy.

"Are you?" Malfoy sighed.

"Yes, I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children," Wormtail said.

"What fun. Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having a drinking competition here tonight with Fudge and 10 000 Galleons are at stake," Malfoy sneered.

"Oh dear," Wormtail said, suddenly serious again.

"What do you mean?" Malfoy asked suspiciously.

"Well, firstly you haven't got 10 000 Galleons and thirdly, one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and start singing that song about the goblins," Wormtail said.

"That's nonsense… But just in case it's true…," Malfoy said.

"It is true, actually," Wormtail said to Snape.

"Yes, all right, it's true, it's true. So the plan is, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?" Malfoy said. He was beginning to lose his temper.

"Yes, when you call for ale, I pass water," Wormtail repeated.

"Good. And Severus, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt," Malfoy said.

"I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman," Snape said.

"Oh Merlin," Malfoy sighed.

There was a knock on the door. Malfoy rushed into the corridor. Snape positioned himself at the entrance to the dining room. Malfoy opened the front door.

"Uncle, Aunt, greetings! How nice it is to see you," Malfoy cheered.

He bent over to kiss his aunt on each cheek. She suddenly slapped Malfoy firmly on both cheeks.

"Wicked child, don't lie. Everyone fears us and you know it," Lady Beaufoy roared.

"May I introduce my friend, Professor Severus Snape," Malfoy said.

"Well, well, well, Lucius, you didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt. Good-morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like and I like what I see," Snape said in an attempt to please Lady Beaufoy.

"Be gone, Mudblood!" Lady Beaufoy roared before she slapped Snape in the face as well.

Malfoy guided them into the dining room where a very exquisite dining table was set up.

"Yes, well. Well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say 'inheritance? I meant journey. If you'd just like to help yourself to a legacy, uhm, a chair…" Malfoy said obviously uncomfortable now.

"Chair? You have chairs in your house?" Lady Beaufoy roared aghast.

"Oh… yes," Malfoy said.

"Wicked child! Chairs are for Muggles! In our house Lexius and I sit on thrones," Lady Beaufoy said as she slapped Malfoy in the face again.

"I will suffer this indignity this once. I trust you remember we eat no meat?" Lady Beaufoy asked.

"No, here we feast only on Voldemort's lovely created turnip, mashed," Malfoy said.

"Mashed?! Wicked child," Lady Beaufoy roared as she stood up and slapped Malfoy in the face once more. "Mashing is the work of lazy Muggles! I shall have my turnip as Voldemort intended."

"Fine. Wormtail!" Malfoy yelled.

"Master," Wormtail said as he came in the room and bowed deeply.

"Would you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please?" Malfoy said.

"But we've only got the one…" Wormtail objected.

"Just do it. Thank you," Malfoy interrupted him.

Wormtail bowed again and left the room. An awkward silence fell in the room. It was suddenly interrupted by very loud knocking on the door.

"Lucius, I trust you have invited no other guests," Lady Beaufoy said, throwing a vicious look in his direction.

"Certainly not," Malfoy lied.

The knocking continued. Malfoy rose up.

"I'll just tell them to disapparate. Professor Snape will look after you," Malfoy said before he swept out off the room.


	6. More guests

Malfoy entered the corridor. He went to a cupboard and took out a silly hat and a pair of false breasts, which he slipped on. Then, he opened the door to three drunken idiots also wearing silly hats and false breasts.

The three started singing loudly. "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday luscious Lucius!, Happy Birthday to you!"

Malfoy tried to quieten them down but failed. He ushered them into Wormtail's room.

"Well, get stuck in, boys…" Malfoy said.

" 'Stuck in' – wahey! – geddit? It sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? 'Stuck in'," Avery said.

There was another knock at the door. Malfoy rushed out to open it.

"Ha! Fudge. Late, I see, to avoid the early drinking. Oh Fudgie, you really are a beginner – you're not even wearing comedy breasts," Malfoy smirked.

"Au contraire, Malfoy," Fudge replied as he opened his coat, revealing a much bigger pair, painted gold.

"Yes, well, let's wait till we get down to the serious drinking, shall we?" Malfoy sneered.

He opened the door to Wormtail's room. All three were teasing a frightened house-elf with a sock on a stick.

"Good evening," Fudge said.

"Lads, this is Fudge," Malfoy said. "You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first, Fudgy, but you'll soon get used to it."

Malfoy had just left Wormtail's room when there was an unexpected knock on the front door. He opened it impatiently, and there stood a cowled person.

"I heard there was a party on," the person said.

"No. Yes. There are two and you're invited to neither," Malfoy smirked.

"But I'm a friend of Professor Snape," the person spoke.

"Oh, you must be McGonagall. You were invited anyway. Come in, do. It's in here," Malfoy said.

He opened the door of the cupboard. The person walked in obediently and Malfoy slammed the door shut, sealing it with a spell. He rejoined the party in the dining-room, still wearing the breasts.

"Sorry about that," Malfoy said as he sat down.

Everyone in the room froze as they noticed the breasts. Snape coughed three times in a very unusual way.

"Sorry – he's sick. Took a few nasty spells in the brain," Malfoy said as he cast an angry look at Snape.

"What he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be wearing a pair of devil's dumplings," Lady Beaufoy hissed.

Malfoy looked down and flinched in shock at the sight of his own breasts. He covered them up with his hands and thought of plausible answer.

"Oh my – my ear muffs have fallen down," Malfoy said as he pulled them up, covering his ears. "Would you like a pair? It's getting rather cold."

"No thank you – cold is good to keep your soul black," Lady Beaufoy said.

Wormtail entered the room, carrying a tray with the thingy shaped turnip on it.

"Well, now, what was I saying… Oh, by Merlin," Malfoy breathed when he saw the dish.

"Your turnip, my lady," Wormtail said.

Snape and Malfoy had a horrified look upon their faces. Lady Beaufoy inspected it and took the plate from the tray. Wormtail bowed and left the room.

"Very good. Very good," Lady Beaufoy said as she started to nibble at the tip.

Suddenly the Mansion was filled with loud, drunken roar.

"What was that noise?" Lady Beaufoy asked.

"Noise? Did you hear a noise, Severus?" Malfoy asked.

"No," Snape replied.

"Good," Malfoy said relieved.

"Apart from that colossal drunken roar," Snape continued before he suddenly disappeared under the table. Malfoy had obviously kicked him.

"Oh, _that _noise. It's the mudbloods next door. I'm afraid. I'll just go and curse them. Back in a minute Sev," Malfoy said before he rushed out of the room.


	7. Tricky

When Malfoy entered the corridor, he heard a violent knocking coming from the cupboard. He crossed towards the cupboard, unsealed the door and opened it. The hooded figure emerged, desperately gasping for air.

"I'm suffocating!" the person said.

"Well, thank Merlin you knocked. Come on now, take a deep breath… and another… Better?" Malfoy asked kindly.

"Yes," the person replied.

"Good," Malfoy replied before he shoved the figure back into the cupboard, sealing it magically again.

Malfoy headed back into Wormtail's room.

"I notice you're not drinking, Malfoy," Fudge said with a goblet in his hand

"Don't you worry about me, Fudgiekins, I'm holding my own here," Malfoy said.

"Wahey! Holding my own! Now that sounds incredibly rude," Avery said.

"Malfoy, that doesn't explain why you're not drinking with us," Fudge said.

"Ah, yes, no, well that's what I actually came to talk to you about. What do you say to the idea of ten minutes' absolute silence to get some really serious drinking in?" Malfoy said.

They all roared loudly before they finally lowered their voices.

"Now, here's a nice glass of cider," Fudge said holding out a glass for Malfoy.

"Only cider? I'm going to go and put some brandy in it," Malfoy said before he quickly left the room.

Malfoy entered the dining room once more and sat down again.

"Well, how are we all doing then?" Malfoy asked.

"Not well. Let us discuss your inheritance," Lady Beaufoy said a hint of irritation in her voice.

"Ah, yes. Good. Some water first?" Malfoy said.

Lady Beaufoy jumped up from her seat and slapped Malfoy in the face again.

"Wicked child! We only drink exquisite liquor, appropriate for pureblood wizards!" Lady Beaufoy roared.

She sat back down seconds before Rookwood entered the room stumbling his way to the fireplace where he vomited.

"Great booze-up, Lucius!" Rookwood roared before he left the room again.

"Do you know that man?" Lady Beaufoy asked.

"No," Malfoy lied.

"He called you 'Lucius'," Lady Beaufoy said.

"Oh, 'know' him? Yes. I do," Malfoy said.

"Then can you explain what he meant by 'Great booze-up?" Lady Beaufoy asked.

A long pause followed the question. The silence is terrifying.

"Yes, I can. My friend is a Death Eater and on his last mission abroad brought back with him the Lord of a very important pureblood family. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken, because as you heard, Great Boo's up," Malfoy explained.

"Well done, Lucius," Snape said rather relieved that Malfoy came up with this well thought lie.

"And I think I'd better just go visit him," Malfoy said before he stood up and swept out of the room.


	8. Drink

Chapter 8 – drink

"Malfoy, you challenged me to a drinking competition earlier today, and I haven't seen you touch a drop," Fudge said as soon as he saw Malfoy's face.

"Nonsense," Malfoy said.

"'Tis true. You twist and turn like a … twisty-turny thing," Fudge said.

"All right, all right. Wormtail! Fetch my incredibly strong ale!" Malfoy roared.

Merely a few seconds later, Wormtail arrived with a jug of water and a glass.

"It's Lucius' Levitating Liquor, a brew guaranteed to knock the backside off a concrete elephant, is it not, Wormtail?" Malfoy said.

"No, it's water," Wormtail said proudly.

"What?!" Fudge roared.

"Ha ha ha; but seriously Wormtail - and presuming you wish to see another dawn…," Malfoy hissed.

"You did call for your incredibly strong ale, Master?" Wormtail asked doubtfully.

"Yes! That's right!" Malfoy said pleased.

"That's a relief. I thought I'd made a mistake," Wormtail beamed as he poured water into the glass.

"By Merlin, he's right! It is water!" Nott roared.

"Come on lads, let's give him a real drink," Rookwood said as he handed Malfoy a flagon of ale.

"Fine," Malfoy said all eyes turned on him.

"Drink, Malfoy. Drink!" Fudge said.

Malfoy placed the flagon at his mouth and drained it's content. Exactly 42 seconds later, Lady Beaufoy was in the midst of smacking Snape out of boredom when the door suddenly swung open and Malfoy stumbled in. He's wearing a wool hat and looked really merry.

"Sevy, I lost the bet," Malfoy said.

"Lucius, explain yourself!" Lady Beaufoy roared.

"I can't. Not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Auntie. Sometimes I'm nice, sometimes I'm nasty. And sometimes, I just like to sing little songs," Malfoy said staggering unevenly on his feet as he started to sing; "See the little goblin…"

Malfoy dropped onto his knees, revealing a large ostrich feather sticking up from his breeches.

"I mean, explain why you are wearing a wool hat, why you are grinning inanely and why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of the seat of your breeches," Lady Beaufoy roared.

"I'm wearing a wool hat because I'm a house-elf. I have an ostrich feather up my bottom to keep in the little pixies. And I'm grinning inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance," Malfoy said.

"Is that right? May I remind you cursed creature that your inheritance depends upon your not drinking and not gambling," Lady Beaufoy explained. She hit Snape as Malfoy was out of reach.

"Oh, yes, damn. Sev, the Mudbloods farts in my face one more," Malfoy sighed.

"Not mentioning 'farts' was also a condition," Lady Beaufoy said.

"Shove off, you old trout," Malfoy sneered.

Lord and Lady Beaufoy stood up and left the room, slamming the door.


	9. The End

Lady Beaufoy stormed into the corridor and hurried into the wrong room by mistake. As soon as she saw what was going on, she slammed the door shut and ran into the corridor again. She opened another door but this time, it was the cupboard she opened. The hooded person rushed out. The four boys emerged from Wormtail's room.  
  
"Wahey! A stripper!" Avery roared.  
  
"Oh, yes, this is much more like it," Rookwood said as he took off the coat and cowl.  
  
"And she's come dressed as the Dark Lord!" Nott said.  
  
"Do you know who I am?" Voldemort hissed.  
  
"Yes, I know who you are," Malfoy said as he came out of the dining room closely followed by Snape.  
  
"Who?" Avery asked.  
  
"You are... Merlin, the Happy Pig," Malfoy hiccupped.  
  
"Wrong, I'm afraid. I am...The Dark Lord Voldemort," he hissed.  
  
He stood to his full height. Everyone fell to their knees and bowed deeply.  
  
"I may have only returned to my body recently but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant," Voldemort said.  
  
"Prove it," Avery said tentatively.  
  
Voldemort grabbed a hug flagon and prepared to drain the full content.  
  
"I certainly will. First I'm going to have a little drinky... and then I'm going to curse the whole bally lot of you," Voldemort hissed.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
It was dawn the next day. Everyone sat drunk in a heap around Voldemort's feet. Only Lady Beaufoy was missing.  
  
"See the little goblin, see his little feet. And his little nosey wose, isn't the goblin sweet?" Malfoy sang utterly pissed.  
  
"Yes!" the whole lot roared.  
  
"See the little goblin..." Malfoy sang  
  
"Wait a minute! I'm sure there was something important I had to do to all of you this morning," Voldemort said in an attempt to think hard.  
  
They all started to giggle.  
  
"I remember something about 10 000 Galleons. Was it...?" Fudge said.  
  
"No, I think it was something about an inheritance," Lord Beaufoy said.  
  
"Look! Do you lot want to hear about this goblin or not?" Malfoy hissed.  
  
They all nodded their consent.  
  
"Right, well perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue, and perhaps finish, with any luck," Malfoy continued.  
  
Lady Beaufoy suddenly appeared from underneath Voldemort's robes.  
  
"Luck – wahey – geddit?" Lady Beaufoy said, "sounds almost like f..."  
  
The end. 


End file.
